Just Checking In…
Friday, November 4th, 2011Life is full of lessons to be learned. We start as babies, learning about ourselves and our bodies, then progress to interactions with others, then relationships, then stumble through romantic relationships, only to be sidetracked by lust. The trick is to treat lust as a mere fantasy, or at most, a quick pit-stop, brushing away our tracks upon departure. Being the object of lust and erotic diversion has taught me volumes about my own tendencies and the behaviors of those around me, and I think I have a pretty good read on what is healthy vs. destructive. This didn’t happen overnight, or even in the recent past. In fact, I wasn’t aware of the true degree of my evolution until, after nearly two decades, I ran into G.
15 years ago, I first spotted G in a parking lot and I can’t explain what happened in any other way except to say that our eyes literally locked. Some might call it past-life stuff, and others would just chalk it up to an instant, and very electric connection, but suffice it to say that we both knew at that very moment that we were both in the same place about three things: our lust for each other, our inability to ignore it, and our willingness to let it consume us at any cost. The feeling was much the same as when brides describe “knowing that he was the one”, only I always knew better. G was my one and only “bad boy”; a drop dead gorgeous, perfect specimen of a former rodeo cowboy- turned hard working stiff. His intense, cobalt blue eyes sparkled like mini mosaics of mirror and sea glass and his broad, knowing smile confirmed everything I already knew about his character, and his cock. It was only a matter of hours until we were off to the races and I was out of my mind with lust for a man with whom I could barely hold a conversation. He had this tigress by the tail and he knew it.
Our relationship, if you could call it that, was a powerful addiction. It lasted longer than some marriages, had the intensity of a freight train and was made entirely of raw, sexual energy, with no flirty fluff, platonic filler, or romantic substance. We would meet in strange, often semi-public places, clawing at each other’s clothes, clinging to objects for leverage in our fury to have one another at that very moment…then sheepishly gathering our clothes, and clearing the remnants of our not-so-sweet tryst gone primal. We would leave the scene, both knowing that we should never, ever cross paths again and that our lives were slowly being affected in such a way that casualties would inevitably follow. Our last time together was after one of the inevitable consequences of our affair came to pass, which propelled us both into reality and out of lust. It was also the only real conversation we ever had. I remember the look on his face and the relief I felt watching him leave.
I thought about G from time to time over the years and thought it odd that in Phoenix, a really big small town, we had never crossed paths after being on the same path for so long. I will confess to doing a little Internet search, but mostly because I wondered if he was dead. G was never really on my mind. After him, I swore off ALL bad boys and after I became a provider, all bad clients. Adrenaline is great, in moderation, but I’ve learned that those who crave the dangerous, unbridled experiences are, well… dangerous and unbridled individuals. I’d love to wax poetic and say that what I had with G was immature and carefree, and that I look back on it fondly, but I don’t..because I’ve grown as a person and as a woman and what we did, for as long as we did it, was mostly just irresponsible and an insult to all the good that we were otherwise doing with our lives. It was backward mobility from the start, eventually doing nothing but digging a great big hole in my soul and messing with what little pride I held at the time.
WOW! What a together chick I am.. but why write about it? Why now?
Because I recently saw G again. He was under my nose for all of these years! Not just at the airport, but working for my preferred airline at the airport! I saw him as I was being detained (once again) for refusing the x ray. I saw those eyes and that physique and he saw me. We exchanged some small talk, eyes locked like before, with the same intensity threatening our now, middle-aged loins, and nicely established lives. I told him I was now a provider and proudly disclosed my website. He offered the kind of canned comment that one would imagine an old lover, with no skin in the game, would produce. (He even repeated it twice.) Even all these years later, nothing had changed. Keyword: NOTHING.
I ran into G again at the airport a week after that, as I stood with friends, and I am pleased to report that there are those who can bear witness to the fact that I wasn’t looking for him! I do believe that there are no accidents, however, and G was too prevalent once for his presence to be meaningless. The lessons that resulted were too profound. He left a mark and is a reminder of a dark detour.
I choose to view the sighting of G as the universe checking in with me. Perhaps it’s a warning, or just a way to measure my progress, but I’m listening and I’m grateful.